Stories about hope

Recently, one morning I sent a picture of myself to a girl I met in college. She was this gorgeous blonde chick who I met on the top row of my college choir. We had some crazy antics on that top row. We did some crazy things in college, and after. She became my roomie and dear friend. In each other’s weddings, welcoming each other’s babies, sharing each other’s heartbreaks. And laughter, lots of it. 

Back to the picture. I took it to show her how quickly my skin burned after sitting outside for only 20 minutes. I have 2 skin tones, clear or crispy 

#LackingMelanin  

After I looked at the picture I sent her, I immediately deleted it from my phone. Why did I delete it? 

Because I looked terrible. I didn’t want my husband of over 30 years to see me looking the way I looked.

This is the man who has seen me at my literal worst. He has seen me while he held a trashcan for me to toss my tacos into during labor. He has seen Firsthand the stitches and scars and the effect of anesthesia in the aftermath of neck, back, knee & foot surgeries. He has seen me sobbing uncontrollably because my heart was broken. He has seen me up in pounds and down in pounds. He has seen all my wrinkles, my morning face, my stretch marks & “very-close” veins. 

And yet that morning I hit delete ASAP. WHY?  I don’t feel I measure up to the posts I see on Instagram. 

Reminding myself of what I had just read not 15 mins prior in a book called “Get out of your head!” by Jenny Allen: I need to stop this toxic thinking. 

Instagram is not Reality. 

Facebook is not reality. 

We have the ability to post only the best version of ourselves through all of the filters available. We post only our highlight reel‘s. 

We post only our “living our best life”, we quickly delete the rest. 

If you’re looking for your worth in the amount of “likes” you get, I encourage you to look elsewhere. Most people look at Facebook & Instagram while liking your posts from the seat of a toilet. 

Did you hear me? 

I say to you & myself

 Look in the eyes of your Savior and hear him say “Child, you are worth more.

I went ahead and posted the pictures of the before filter & the after, the with make-up the without make-up and then with filters so I could show myself I would survive if people “saw” me with “no filter” 

Please understand what I’m saying. I looked far from amazing, but it was an exercise in self-esteem. 

This is real life. I want to be a real reflection of my Savior

I want to live life in the light of my Savior Jesus and not in the soft-focus lighting of some Instagram filter. 

It’s only then that I will be able to stop the judgments & comparisons & the degrading self-talk. 

I’m worth HIS love. So are you! 

I loved a popular song that was sung at a church while my husband was on staff there.

When I married my husband, he was a Junior High Leader in our church.

A few years later he became an associate pastor. 

Being a pastor’s wife was a lot of fun. But it also came with a lot of challenges. 

As a wife of a pastor there are times, when people seek out your friendship. 

It’s not always from a pure motive. They would often seek me out to be part of the “inner circle”.  Funny that I wasn’t in the inner circle, which they quickly found out and left my life as quickly as they arrived.

I was always skeptical of these types of friends. I knew in my heart not to show all my cards. I was able to discern that they didn’t truly want to be my friend. They just wanted information. 

There were a couple of gals at church who I learned to trust. Lisa & Shannon were there to help at a moment’s notice. My husband and I lived on the church property for several years.  

Our living room became a place where their kids and my kids hung out while they worked in the church office and I was a Stay at home mom.  

They were awesome friends. 

And then there was the pastor’s wife Melinda. She was more than a pastor’s wife; she was an associate pastor as well. 

She quickly became my confidant, my secret keeper. 

She, like my 3 friends I grew up with, my sister Christina a few of my college buddies like my friend Sheri & Kristen, could often read my face & knew when I was holding things in that I needed help with.  

Melinda, became the person I knew I could talk with, without it going anywhere. 

She was “the vault”. Even when I needed to talk about marriage struggles, family struggles, self-image struggles, I knew I was safe with her. 

Melinda would often lead worship. She was so sensitive to God. 

One Sunday, we were singing that popular worship song.

“Lord you are, more precious than silver. Lord you are, more costly that gold. Lord you are, more beautiful than diamonds. And nothing I desire compares with you.”

The song ended and she flipped the script, speaking these words to the congregation. 

“Hear this from your Father”

“Child you are more precious than silver, 

Child you are more costly than gold, 

Child, you are more beautiful than diamonds. And nothing I desire compares to you.” 

Oh. 

My. 

Gosh. 

Did that ever ring true in my heart.

I didn’t feel good about myself, my appearance, my family. 

I was having a hard time being a mom & pastors’ wife. 

I was having a hard time missing my earthly dad. 

I felt like I had to live up to some sort of image, I had to be perfectly coiffed, made up, stylish, attentive, smiley. 

It was a lot. 

That day, when she changed just one word in the lyrics of the song, it was a day I heard God say to my heart. 

“Relax, I love you the way I created you. You don’t need to impress me one bit.”  

Here are some of my favorite promises in the Bible. Words that speak to me 

//When I  N e e d A N e w W a r d r o b e //

“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future.”

Proverbs 31:25

“And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil, nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.”

Matthew 6:28-29

//When I am feeling insecure//

“He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.”

Psalms 91:4

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.”

Proverbs 31:30

Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Matthew 6:26

#DressedToImpressByGodHimself

#NoFilters

#YouAreWorthMore