Stories about hope

“Mawwage, mawwage is whought bwings us to-geth-har today”

I enjoy watching my husband officiate weddings. Weddings are always a time for reflection on my marriage. Watching a young couple, so in love. Ready to face whatever life sends their way. Soon I will watch my middle and my youngest sons make the same commitment their dad and I made 30 years ago.

Our oldest was married in 2016, likely one of my favorite weddings I had ever attended. What a blessing to see the son who turned my world upside down when he was born, get married and start a family of his own. 

The 2 other boys will be married in less than a year. I am so excited for them, but I also remember the things that they don’t tell you before you make this commitment. 

I was talking with one of my future daughters-in-law & shared with her the greatest advice I was ever given. 

“Trust & respect are gained in droplets and poured out by the bucket”

On the day we said “I do”, I had the utmost respect & trust in my husband, and he in me. 

We hadn’t given the other any reason not to trust. Any reason not to respect. 

Yet. 

We would soon pour out each other’s buckets of trust and respect by our actions, our words, or lack thereof. 

It is a hard thing to earn that trust & respect back. A long slow process of setting the bucket upright and letting the droplets start to fill them up again. 

They don’t tell you on the day you get married, that 7 years from now you will be arguing about the most ridiculous thing ever.

Or in 15 years (In some cases 15 minutes) you will be saying words that you can never take back. 

I have been married over 30 years. There hasn’t been a day I haven’t loved my husband. 

There have been many days however, that I haven’t liked him very much. 

It’s true – if anything, we need to be truthful about marriage, it isn’t always pretty. I know there were days when he didn’t like me either. 

Marriage doesn’t mean you always like each other because even after 30 years we still find 100 different ways to get on each other’s nerves. 

Just the other day I was making lunch for our son. I needed to go somewhere, and I wanted to finish getting ready. I asked my husband who was sitting in the living room to come help me finish making lunch so I could get ready to leave. 

I got so upset with him because the second I called his name he didn’t jump to his feet and run into the kitchen to help me. And that’s how the fight started… 

I have been selfish, unkind, and flat out stubborn. I’m an independent person so it takes a special person to know how much space to give me. I can change a tire, unclog a drain, or run a Marathon if I set my mind to it. I can also curl up in a ball on my bed and hide from the world because I’m fearful or hurt or tired of my circumstances.

I am thankful to be married to someone who was willing to pitch in. It didn’t start that way at first. But as time went on he started dusting, doing dishes, and is now the chief of dusting, vacuuming & mopping the floor.

He can also rightly divide the word of God and teach someone to surf.  He could put a literal roof over my head, and he would tenderly doctor our boys’ boo-boos when they were hurt.  

However, like me, He can also be selfish and unkind.  

His words can hurt me more than any other person in this planet. 

Because I love him more than any other person on the planet. 

When the one person that no matter what, promised to love you, hurts you. Well, it’s a hurt that isn’t easily fixed. 

These last few years my independent wings were clipped, and I needed his help with even the smallest tasks. I was thankful he was there with me. Literally binding my wounds. 

We have managed to keep our selves together – but it certainly hasn’t been us alone. 

It has been us and our not so silent partner, our faithful God. We made a promise to Him. We promised to stick together. He promised to be with us – and that has meant all the difference through the difficult seasons. 

His parents have been our trusty prayer partners. We can tell them anything and everything and they continue to love us together.  

I have also had the best of friends who have prayed for us faithfully since the day we said “I do”. The women who stood up with me on that wonderful day, are still standing with me today. 

Sheri, Julie, Vicki, Kim, Susan & Kristen, thank you for standing with me back then and always standing with me now. 

My sister Christina, her husband Ken are our faithful prayer warriors. My confidantes, oh, the music I hear in my heart when they speak. Life giving words. Encouragement. Trust. A phone call away. 

My brother Bob and his wife Tiley are always encouraging us. My brother faithfully calling to check in, to offer advice, to just be my big brother who cheers me on daily even when he is hurting himself. 

This isn’t something you can do on your own. You need honest, Godly, friends who listen to your heart, understand your hurt and pray like crazy. 

Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done. But aside from being a mom it’s been the best thing about me.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. 

A friend reached out to me for prayer, she and her husband were having trouble communicating.  I was so floored that she would trust me enough to say, “We need help”. 

“Marriage is hard!” was my response.  I know, I’m the best marriage counselor ever, right? 

Do you have someone in your life that you can absolutely trust? It’s not easy to find a friend like that. Someone who knows your story shouldn’t be the talk among their other friends. 

I’m blessed that I have friends that I can absolutely trust. I don’t have many, but I have enough. 

Anytime Darrell has been asked to do marriage counseling, he always says the same thing. “I’m not a marriage counselor”. 

He gets asked often. And I am always thankful when he agrees to do it. Heck, the biggest part of counseling is listening. Hearing what someone means. And he’s good at that. 

I guess when you have made it to 30 years of a marriage, people think you are doing something right. But oh man if they only knew how hard it can be. 

We recently went on a road trip. We had a wonderful time as we drove far away from the cares and responsibilities of being adults. Work was forgotten, memories were made. I’m happy to say that we didn’t have one fight. But life isn’t always responsibility free and the mundane can really wear you down. 

We need to do more fun things together. I think that is so important. 

As I have said, marriage is hard work. Here are some of the things I want to continually work on: 

 Work on having fun together.

Work on listening to each other. 

Work on being faithful to each other. 

Work on out-serving each other. 

Work on praying with each other. 

Work on blessing each other with kind gestures and thoughtfulness. 

Work on telling the truth when you are hurting. 

Work on your spouse being the most second important person in your life. (God is my most important person)

Marriage is hard work… but it’s good work. 

So here’s to weddings, and marriage, and sticking together no matter what! 💙💗