Stories about hope

My husband grew up in the water. He spent summers with his Uncle Harlen on the beaches of San Clemente and Newport Beach.

He was reflecting the other day about the little rafts Uncle Harlen and Aunt Nancy would rent so he and his sister could ride the waves. As my husband grew up, the rafts turned to boogie boards. The boogie boards turned to surfboards.

I also grew up going to the beach. 

Zuma, Malibu, Will Rodgers State beach, El Capitan State Beach, and McGrath.  I loved the beach however my skin, lacking in melanin, did not. 

I loved building castles, Searching for sand dollars and I loved laying out. I was ok with going in the water and playing in the waves. But things changed for me one day. 

First, I saw the movie, Jaws. That made me afraid of even a swimming pool.

Then as a teenager I got hit by a big wave at Will Rodgers State Beach. 

While out in the water with my sister Christina, I made a terrible error. I turned my back to the waves. You never turn your back on a giant. 

My sister screamed my name and plunged under the wave like you are supposed to. I unfortunately, missed the opportunity to go under and had the tar knocked out of me. Tumbling along with the wave, unsure which way was up, hoping I would have enough breath to last. I was dragged along the ocean floor that was full of rocks and broken seashells. Scratched and scraped and coughing up water I finally made it to the shore.

I was a good swimmer – I could tread in calm water for an hour. I could swim in a lake for a long time. I loved water skiing and falling while doing that never seemed to bother me as my life jacket always brought me to the surface. 

My view of the ocean was forever changed. I was ok wading in the water. But going out where the waves were? Nope. 

I recently decided to get a wetsuit and paddle out on the ocean while my husband surfed. Sort of a “chat in between him catching a wave” buddy. 

What crazy fifty something woman with plates and screws in her back and neck, who is terrified of the ocean, gets on a surfboard for the first time EVER and paddles into the very thing she fears the most. Me. I am the crazy.

My husband said he was proud of me for trying. A former youth student and one of my “heroes” said he was also proud of me. One of my childhood best friends also declared that I amazed her. Heck I amazed myself. I was glad I faced my fear, but still unsure of how I feel about the ocean. It still scares me.

Anyway, I had no plans of even attempting to get up. I just wanted to sit out in the line and chit chat in between him riding the wave. 

I was using a giant foam board, it was heavy. But it was perfect for what I planned to do. Things never go as planned. 

The first time we went the waves were baby waves. The second time they were a little bigger and the ocean was much rougher. I was finally able to get through the sets of waves coming in and paddle out to where the water was calm. Where you wait for the next set. 

I watched my husband and a couple others take off on waves. 

And then it hit me. 

I am alone.

I had paddled out farther than I was comfortable and although the water was peaceful, the depth of it scared me more than the waves that could drag me under. The thought of sharks, the thought of how deep and vast the ocean is. I started paddling back to where the waves were more active and took my chances at getting pummeled. And I did in fact, get pummeled. My ribs felt like they were broken, my ears were ringing, the waves were pounding me and dragging me around. 

I felt like Ariel when she wanted to be where the people are, I wanted to be part of the world where I could touch the ground. 

Finally, I made it back to shore. But I needed to try this again. 

It was hard to get back out to the lineup. The sets were coming in one after the other. It was crowded, I was struggling. But I was determined to last. 

My husband finally and thankfully said “one more” which meant I could head to shore getting dragged along by a wave that I sort of caught. I felt like a beached whale. But I had faced my fear of the ocean, almost. 

The quiet, murky lonely depths still terrified me. 

As I am deep in thought today, I realized my experiences over the last few weeks with the ocean is a lot like experiencing grief. 

Today is my mom’s 18th heavenly birthday. If you want to read more about her, you can read previous posts. 

I will say she was far from perfect. However, her last few years on earth, she was different. She was changed from the inside out. She truly met Jesus and truly found His perfect peace. I loved sharing news with her, I loved sitting on her lap and crying my eyes out. I loved her laugh. My goodness she could laugh. 

She was my greatest confidante, my biggest cheerleader. If I had good news, she was the first person I told. In a way, she still is.

As time goes on and the distance of heaven grows closer, as her grandkids grow and mature. I think about her so often. I think about how proud she would be of her legacy. When my sons lead worship, I can’t help but think how much she would love watching them use their musical gifts to serve Jesus. They got half of their gifts from her and half of their gifts from my Mother-in-law. I imagine how tickled she would be by her great grand kids. I laugh at jokes I think she would like. 

This missing her used to be so hard. Now it’s just a constant state of “being”. Grief never goes away. Much like the ocean. It does change. Some days it’s calm and easy to be in. Some days you get pummeled by it. And somedays the shear vastness of it scares you to the core. 

There is no end to it. But you learn to swim in it. You learn to dive under the big waves, you learn where it is calm although the depth of it is scary. 

You also (if you are a believer in Jesus) remember that you grieve but not without hope, that God promised to be with you. And that He will take you through the deep waters. And you swim until the glorious day when we all get to heaven. When we ALL see Jesus. 

Until that day, Swim good. 

“I will never leave you or Forsake you” – Jesus (John 14:18)

 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 1st Thessalonians 4:13-14

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

“If I ascend to heaven, you are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.”

Psalm 139:8